Okay, I've debated on whether or not to post this subject, but I figured I've give a shot! I'm currently in a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend of five months! We're very happy and things are great! But, we want to stay together also! We communicate all the time, which is great. We have love and respect and kindness too! But, since no one, and no relationship, is perfect, I'm curious to hear what you all think...

What makes a (romantic) relationship work?

Here's what I've learned so far (after having had one previous long-term relationship and my curreny boyfriend now!):

It takes COMMUNICATION, HONESTY and PATIENCE! It also takes lots and lots of TRUST, COMPROMISE, EMPATHY, THE GOLDEN RULE and RESPECT! I think respect comes before love, because it's hard to love someone you don't respect. I think you have to respect your partner as a person, not just as your partner. So, yeah, lots and lots and lots of honesty, communication, respect, trust, compromise, paitence and empathy (always putting yourself in their shoes--as best as possible!)

What do you think!

Even if you're not currently in a relationship, I'd still like to know what you think! What has made your relationship work with your partner/boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse?

Thanks so much for your input, I really appreicate it!

Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz

P.S. LOVE TOO! Obviously, lots of love and devotion and loyalty! Duh, right?

YOU KNOW WHAT?..........I just watched an old JAmes Stewart Movie last night...and he has the best response to this question in the Movie...Q is...Do you LIKE him?....Not LOVE, or adore, but do you LIKE HIM?....You have to truely like someone before you can truely LOVE someone.........And all the rest you mentioned comes right behind it....ALl go hand in hand. Just remember this also...He will LIE to you...HE will....but 98% of the time won't be what most people think it might be for, it will be to protect YOU. Because its something so silly, and he doesn't want to hurt you. Something like maybe someone said you looked silly in an outfit or something along those lines...He will lie and say they never said that...CAUSE HE LOVES YOU and doesn't want your feelings to be hurt.......

Oh and Movie I watched was... " SHenandoah"..........

Melanie

LOL! Cool, Melanie, thanks for your input. I think we all tell little white lies, unforunately, it's what makes the world go round. I agree with what you said about liking, because it's so true. I do LIKE my bf, and he LIKES me, we've talked about that and he has said many times over "I like you," we also say 'I love you,' of course, but I think you're right about liking the person too. Very insightful, thanks again, Melanie. Take care!

-SL

I read this yesterday, but I wanted to have the time to respond to it. I have been married twice, once for all the wrong reasons, and then to Ted. I guess over the years, I have learned a little bit about relationships. Besides my own relationships, I also worked for 10 years in counseling couples who were having trouble with their marriages. And every single relationship seems to have one thing in common. We all go in to them carrying the baggage from past wounds and childhood hurts and traumas. All of us have wounds, and they seem to cloud our vision and how we react to the other person. So when there is difficulty, as hard as it may seem, it is "ourselves" that we need to bring to God for help and healing. That is my first point that I want to make. We are never going to be totally without scars and hurts, but if we are willing to look at ourselves and be truthful before God - we can find healing and be a little healthier in our relationships.

The 2nd point I really want to make is this. We have all heard that it takes each of us to give 50% to the other person. I totally disagree with that. We have to give 100%. If each person gives everything to the other - ALL our needs will be met. At times, when we are sick, or exhausted, or just plain in a bad mood - and can't give totally to the other person - that is when they fill in the gaps. There are times when I have nothing to give to Ted, and I wonder if things will be OK. At those times, somehow he finds the grace and strength to be "my" strength. And when he is too tired to even make a cup of coffee, I have found the energy to cook and be there for him. Our love is the fact that we give "all of ourselves" to the other person. Good, bad, and everything in between. And together, we help each other to grow and to build a life with each other. I don't know if you can understand that. But if you only give 50%, and wait for the other to fill in the gap, you will wait forever. When we were married, I gave Ted a keyring. I had it inscribed with these words: ALL OF ME - TO ALL OF YOU - FOREVER. What I meant by that is that he was getting all of me - the wounded child, the broken wife, and the person that I was because he was in my life. I was accepting all of him, the child who's mother left him, the man who lost his first wife, and the husband who is the love of my life.

The 3rd point that I really think is important to any relationship - is The Lord. Without Him being a part of our marriage (and I mean every part of our marriage) - we wouldn't have the grace, strength, and love to help each other, and walk with each other, through whatever lays ahead. God is a very important part of our life.

Sarah, I hope that you and your new love will have a wonderful future together. It takes forgiving each other for being the person you are, and it takes believing in each to be the person you can be. God bless!

Hey Sarah ~ All of the above is very true ~ me having been married before for all the wrong reasons and now to the one I was meant to marry. A few things I would like to add:

1) If there are any quirks that he does that gets on your nerves now that you just overlook, it will only get worse as time passes. I've been married almost 16 years now on my second marriage and things in the beginning that my husband did, just "agitated me" but I never said anything and just overlooked the. Whether it's not putting clothes in the hamper, dishes in the dishwasher, whatever the case may be....... just remember when you're not having such a good of a day and should you all decide to have children, those little things you over looked in the beginning will get on your nerves ten times worse.

The same that goes for him - any little thing that you do that gets on his nerves now, will get on his nerves ten times worse after you've been together for awhile.

2) Don't lose yourself in the transition of marrying him. Remember to continue to be yourself. Continue to do what you like - your hobbies, interests, - don't give in to his every interest just to make him happy because in the mean time, you will lose yourself during the phase.

3) Money - Have you discussed how you all are going to handle the money situataion. Is it going to be your money, then his money, or is it going to be "our" money.......

4) Is he going to be the kind of husband that expects you to do all the dishes, cooking, taking care of kids, etc. because you are the female of the house and that's just what women are supposed to do?

So patience, trust, communication, continuing being best friends, through troubled times when you want to give up - don't because there will be some very difficult, trying times throughout marriage - but you have to communicate to each other and be there for each other rather than distancing yourself.

God has a plan for each of us, I firmly believe that with all my heart. Life is a rollercoaster of emotions and the main thing is to work through each of them with your significant other.

and that's just my two cents.

I think another important element to making relationships work is to admit to being wrong about something when indeed you are wrong. And be humble and honest about it, too.

All great advice....

Let the relationship grow and evolve at its pace. You cannot force it to become something. It sounds like you are tending it, nurturing it. But, remember, "Even the prettiest rose will die if you water it too much."

One of my friends included a great metaphor in her vows. "..each of us is a pillar unto ourself...but standing together we can support more than we could separately...". {something gets lost in typing it} Being two solid individuals, each having a strong sense of self, will create a better set of partners.

Another wise phrase, " the most successful couples are those couples whose love for each other far outweighs their need for each other."

JTH

Wow. All of your responses are so thoughtful, insightful and superbly truthful! All of you are making a lot of sense.

I heard somewhere that advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer but want/need to hear it anyway--that's kind of true also, but it's still great to hear it!!!

Jth, what your saying is very true, love has to outweigh need, I totally agree. And yes, we're not in a big hurry either. We're both still young and while we consider ourselves serious and comitted, we're not over-doing it either. Because it is true, 'even the prettiest rose will die with too much water,' so very true. Thank you for saying that, that makes so much sense! We're just taking it one day at a time and seeing what happens. We really want to be together, but we don't feel the need to rush to the altar or anything like that.

Erik, yes, I have to say, I'm very good at admitting when I'm wrong and so is he, so we're lucky there. It's funny how having a partner humbles the heck out of you, if you let it. There's times when it's just not about you, and that's what makes it beautiful! I agree about the honesty thing too--completely and totally, always honest--wtih tact and respect of course!

Debbie, you are so right about old wounds and past hurts--they never go away, I'm glad someone out there undrestands that. Because our past is our past, and no matter how past it we may get, it's still there and has made us who we are. I always hated the notion that when you met someone special you had disregard everything before them, imho, that's crap, it just don't happen like that. Each person, place and thing helped shape who we are today, you don't have to linger in it, or focus on it, but it's a part of it. I agree. I like what you put on your ring to Ted, "All of Me, To All Of You," that's very sweet and honest. It's true. I agree about God also. I heard once that partnership (marriage) is a triangle between you, your partner and God, I've always agreed with that. And I thank God every day for my bf--(amongst my many other blessings!!!

Angelina, absolutely I agree with not losing yourself, I've not done that at all. I still write, meditate, take time for me and do what I want. For instance, my country music, he doesn't like it, so it's MINE. And at first that offended me, but now I like it. I do not, will not and cannot meld into him. It's nice to have someone and include them in your life, but it's never smart or healthy to have them be your whole life. My bf and I agreed from day one that we will never be each other's whole entire life; the biggest and best part of it, yes, but not our whole life entirely--that's just kinda dumb in my opinion. Personally, for me, I think it is. As for money and kids, well, we're not engaged and while we've talked about those things (treaded over them a bit), we've not had BIG huge disucssions about them. Well, that's not true, we have, but let's say we've not made an actual PLAN as of yet. We're not at that point quite yet, you know. But we will when the time comes, I'm sure of it. And the nervewracking, agrivating stuff? Oh yeah. We both have those to/for/about each other, everyone does. I knew from day one that if it bothered me now (whatever it may be) it would sure as heck bother me later on, you are so right about that. But, luckily, most of it, I can overlook, as can he. And this where it comes back to compromise. The great thing is, even though we're young, we know that we're not going to change eachother, and we wouldn't want to anyway, so we're not even going to try. We accept eachother as we are and love one another for that. And like I said in my original post, yes, we totally communicate--all the time.

Once again, everybody, I really appreicate your advice. It's very helpful and insightful. I think 'what makes a relationship' work,' is different for everybody, but it's great to hear what works for others. I know it's not all candles/flowers/fun all the time--life is hard, at times, it sucks, it's trying too. But, at the end of the day, having a best friend and a partner to help you through it, to help them through it, well, it makes it all worth it. But I also want a happy and healthy relationship, that's so important to me. Longevity doesn't necessarily equal happiness, you know. That's why I asked his question on here. Most everyone in my personal life is divorced or single, or with someone but unhappy about it, so I can't exactly go to them for advice. I could, but I know a lot of you on here are married/ and or in committed relationships--so I thought your advice/input would be better thought out--and you all proved me right!!! I have some great friends on this board and your thoughtful answers have proven that too. I know life is busy, and I so appreicate your taking the time to add your two cents. And by the way, any more input, from anyone, is greatly welcomed! You've definately given me food for thought! Thanks again!

Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz

I think everyone else who has responded has already said most of what I would have said; all is good advice.

One thing that I would add, however--especially in terms of respect--is that one shouldn't overly insult their partner, even if they are kidding. Nobody really likes to be insulted, even in jest; and you can't really be holding someone up (as their support) when it's you who are also tearing the person down (with insults). Certainly, a little friendly kidding every once in a while might not be such a bad thing, and if one becomes too self-conscious about what is being said, then the relationship could become stiff or tense because you don't necessarily want to walk on egg shells. That's not a healthy relationship. What I mean to say though is that even a little friendly kidding can turn into insults if what you kid about happens to hit a nerve, one insult leads to another, and another, another, and then you have the biggest fight of the relationship, because now both of you are hurt and wounded. And after you've had one such fight, then you will have negative feelings that could lead to the next one, and so on, and so on. But I digress. The point is that insults are a form of verbal abuse, and as the saying goes, just because there are no visible bruises doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt just as much (or more). Insults can too easily lead to an enviroment where each partner is going for the jugular, metaphorically speaking... I'm a little guilty of this one, because if someone insults me, I don't want them to think they can just demean me whenever they want, so I have often said something back to "cut them back down to size." As I get older, however, I have been letting more stuff go, because I (finally!) realize that it doesn't really matter what they or anyone else thinks; I live for me. On the other hand, I will still not allow anyone to publicly demean me, because those are the times when you have to stand up for yourself. I'm digressing a little here because I'm talking about people that you're around as opposed to the one you're choosing to spend your life with; but you shouldn't really let your partner demean you either, because that is the person that you spend the most time with. After all, is that what you really want to live with?

Some people say that arguments and/or fighting (fighting in this sense meaning arguing a little more heatedly, not actual physical combat) are part of any healthy relationship because sometimes they "clear the air" when the situation has become tense and/or like walking on egg shells. My idea is that this is why communication is necessary, so that it doesn't necessary to "clear the air" in this manner. Obviously, you will have times that you are not ever going to agree, and some of those times will be some real heartbreakers; for example, you may want to buy a certain house that you love or think you just have to have, and he for whatever reason may not want that particular house. Compromise is very important too, but you have to make decisions together that both of you can live with. Compromise does NOT mean that "you compromise and do everything my way."

I guess that's all I can think of for the moment.

...doesn't become necessary...

Zep, I appreciate your response, you're also very, very right! I agree with all that you said! Great points, I thank you for adding your two cents!

Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz

Quote by sarahliz97:



It's a shame that tact and respect are in such short supply these days in our society; it's one of the reasons that half of all marriages in America end in divorce--and who gets the worst of it? The kids, of course. If married couples really thought long and hard about these truisms we've been discussing here, maybe, just maybe, there'd be a lot less pain in American society (IMHO).

Hey Erik, once again I whole heartedly agree! I think we've all got a pretty good discussion going here and a good grip on some substantial and meanignful advice! This topic is so universal, and in need of attention too.

-SL

Hey Sarah, another thing to add which has been said basically, is AGREE TO DISAGREE. You're not always going to agree on everything - we are each individuals. If we were all the same, well the this world would be a pretty boring place to live. When an very heated argument comes up, and it will, you either have to compromise or agree to disagree. And another thing that I've witnessed in other people's relationships and in my first marriage is putting the other person down ie. calling the person names. When people are mad, they have a tendency to say things that they don't mean, but once that thing is said, you can never take it back. Don't ever say something derogatory to your loved ones - especially to your significant other and don't let him put you down. If you're skinny now and you gain weight later on - don't let him start calling you names or saying you need to lose weight, - he needs to accept who you are. As you get older, your body changes, your likes/dislikes changes and you have to learn to grow up/change together. What you like in your 20's is not what may like in your 30's or 40's. Me and my husband have been together since our my mid 20's so i'm speaking from experience. And no, i'm not that size 8 that I was in my 20's..... two pregnancies later and age have changed me - but with that he has too.

So just another 4 cents to add Sarah.......

OH ~ AND NEVER LEAVE EACH OTHER MAD OR GO TO SLEEP MAD EACH OTHER.......... we never know what the next second might hold.

Once again, Angelina, all very good advice! Thanks for your 'extra four cents' You're the best!

-SL

You're the best to Sarah Liz! You help me thru so much too girl!!!